NOTE: This post contains personal experiences with depressive episodes, feelings of shame and worthlessness, suicidal thoughts, and death.
This is more of post about personal thoughts related to how my head is feeling. I have yet to really talk about mental health, though, until now.
The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself. - Mark Twain
When I started this blog, it was right after a handful of weeks of a major depressive episode. While feeling this way, I was in a pretty serious car accident that was entirely my fault. No one was hurt, but it was a trauma that escalated a lot of things that had been building.
Due to a lot of things in my past, I already had a low self-worth, major anxiety, and fear of leaving my apartment. After realizing I could have killed someone, I felt whatever thin string was holding me up about to break. I took a day off work, knowing there was no way I could even pretend to be okay. Thankfully, mu husband could also stay home.
I felt overwhelmed and numb. I felt like I had a wall around my mind and there was no way out. I couldn't find the point in waking up. The universe had been chipping away at my soul. No matter how much I put out in the world, how much I put myself into the world, I felt nothing coming back to me. I felt like I didn't matter, my life didn't matter.
I suddenly remembered I had a tarot deck, so I took it out. After arranging the cards in order and shuffling, I pulled out a card. It was The High Priestess.
I have always been a logical person, finding ways to fix things or explain things come easy to me. The idea of opening myself to the unknown is terrifying, especially when those unknowns have caused so much pain in the past.
I decided to use tarot cards, and the practice of reading them, as a way to reach out and feel again. Over the last few weeks of planning and creating, I have begun to feel like myself. I have a lot of healing to do from a lot of different kinds of trauma, but this is a start. I am beginning to believe in the Universe again.
The accident and my response to it led to a decision to start over, to start healing and being better to ourselves. We are in the process of putting that into practice.
I want to be able to open myself more not just to the Universe, but to other people. I want to be okay with the unknown.
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